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Who Better To Love: Chapter 6
I Know Where I'm Going Because I Know Where I've Been
Summary: Nikki has seen the tabloid with the picture of Zac and Vanessa kissing in Hawaii. This chapter tells of her thoughts and memories in seeing it, and what happens between Zac and Nikki at the Young Hollywood Awards the next day.
Dedications: Firstly, this is dedicated to Carrie, as a (very) belated birthday present. I know you've been waiting for this since I first gave you spoilers months ago. Thanks for being so supportive, and patient! Secondly, it is dedicated to Alex, who took so much time to make the amazing banner for me! Big hugs to you, hon, for so much! Finally, it is for all the Zac and Nikki fans on the ZN thread of Fanforum. Congratulations on 250 threads, everyone! Let's celebrate everything we love about Zac and Nikki, the love and friendship and respect and joy we see between them, and what could and should, and may, be. They have inspired us to dream of possibilities, and let's not lose sight of that. (Sorry this chapter is so angsty, in light of my previous words lol)
Rating: R?
A/N: When originally mapping out this series in October, I thought that the Hawaii pics came out before the YHA. I recently found out it was the other way around, but have fudged the timeline. It's fiction, right? hehe (Sorry, Irish!)
Walking down the magazine aisle, Nikki reached for a copy of her little indulgence, People magazine, when something on the corner of another tabloid caught her eye. A photo of Zac, on the beach, kissing Vanessa, with the heading, “Zanessa is real!”
Nikki dropped her basket to the floor, her mouth dropped open and her legs were weak. She leaned on the rack to support herself, feeling faint.
“Miss? Are you alright?” an older man asked. She turned to him slowly, staring at him vaguely. “Miss?” She nodded her head and turned back to face the magazine as he walked away, looking back at her with concern.
Nikki took the magazine off the rack and placed it into the basket that she had picked up. She walked robotically to the check-out, just going through the motions. Getting into the car, she pulled the tabloid out of the bag and stared down at that picture. It was the first time she was seeing Vanessa. The real Vanessa. She had seen her in “High School Musical.” She had seen her in pictures in magazines before, even with Zac, but she had never seen her as part of Zac’s life. His real life. Zac had hardly ever talked about her, and since Nikki started seeing him, he had never even mentioned her name. It hit her like someone had just turned on the lights in the darkened room she had spent the last six months.
Sitting in her mom’s car in the parking lot of the strip mall, she stared down at the steering wheel, which faded into memories.
~*~*~*~*~
“John Travolta. Holy crap, Nikki! John Travolta!” Zac shouted, incredulously, tossing her the Diet Coke he had begun to keep stocked just for her. She laughed as he leaned back against the fridge in his apartment. Brittany had just called Nikki to tell her that John would be arriving in Toronto the next day, and they would finally be able to meet him. Nikki had screamed and ran into Zac’s kitchen to tell him. “Danny Zuko is going to be in our movie!” he shouted. “I mean, I knew it before, but it just hit me!”
“Maybe I should finally watch ‘Grease,’ then,” Nikki laughed.
“What!” he shouted. “Get out! You haven’t seen ‘Grease’?”
“Well, I’ve seen parts of it before, when I was a kid. But…”
“Oh. My. Gosh.” He took the unopened can from her and slammed it down on the counter, grabbed her hand and dragged her towards the door.
“Where are we going?” she laughed.
“Video store down the street!”
Waiting in line at Subway, he turned to her and said, “I still can’t believe you haven’t watched ‘Grease.’ It’s been almost a month, Nicole Blonsky. I thought I knew you,” he shook his head at her. “What other secrets are you keeping from me?”
“Oh, plenty! But, that’s for you to find out!” she raised her eyebrows and smirked at him, before turning back to the menu board. He looked at her quizzically before a grin spread across his face.
~*~*~*~*~
Nikki looked over at the tabloid that had slipped from her hand onto the passenger seat, and picked it up. She focused on that picture in the corner again; focused on him. Those eyes that watched her from across crowded rooms; that stared into hers as he went in and out, harder, faster. Those hands that tickled her, teased her, made her come. That back she had traced her name on; that she had dug her nails into. Those arms that held her when she cried; that held her after she came so hard. That chest she had laid her head on to sleep. Those lips that kissed her soft, hard, deep long; that had whispered in her ear and told her he lov… but, no… he had never said that. Not to her.
~*~*~*~*~
“Where did Zac go?” Nikki asked her mom, after looking around the Foundation Room.
“He had something important he wanted to do,” Timmy interjected, sharing a knowing smile with his aunt.
The look of confusion and disappointment growing on Nikki’s face was replaced by surprise when her eyes were drawn to a light coming from across the room.
“Carryin’ the cake, for Nikki B!” Everyone’s attention turned to Zac and the huge candle-topped cake he was bringing to Nikki. The joy spreading across her face made him beam, which in turn made everyone at the party smile for them. Even if there was nothing “official” to smile for.
Away from watchful eyes and cameras later that night, he pulled her into a dark corner of the club and took her in his arms.
“I like this top you’re wearing.” One hand on her lower back, the other grazed along the side-swept bangs of her up-do, and then along her jaw.
“I think you like what’s in it better,” she smirked.
“That too!” he laughed. He cupped her chin and bent down to kiss her lightly. Resting his forehead against hers, their lips so close, he asked what she had wished for.
“I wished…” and her eyes darted to the side. Lifting his face away from hers, he knew, somewhere inside him, what she had wished.
“Nikki…?”
She looked back up at him, her mind closing those thoughts of impossibilities and another girl, as it always did, and she smiled, holding him tighter. “I wished for sunshine and rainbows and shiny satin ribbons and a purple polka-dotted pony, just like when I was six,” she laughed softly. He smiled back, reassured, and pulled her head to rest against his chest for another stolen moment.
~*~*~*~*~
Her eyes shifted to Vanessa. Her white bikini and perfect little body pressed against Zac’s. She didn’t know this girl, hadn’t wanted to know this girl. Whenever a thought of Vanessa came to her mind she pushed it away with the feelings of guilt and inadequacy and jealousy that came with it. Nikki began to shake again as she dropped the magazine and covered her face with her hands, breathing deeply and thinking back to the last night she had spent with Zac.
~*~*~*~*~
Her hair was still a little wet from their bath, and it hung about her face in curls. It shimmered from the flashes of neon light coming through the open curtains from the Vegas strip. He reached up and twisted a curl around his finger, then released it and watched it spring back. Her breasts nearly spilled out of the low cut black satin nightie she was wearing, as she leaned over him, tracing her finger over his chest and abs. He was lying back, propped up on a few pillows, and his hands were running along her thighs as she straddled him.
“Nik, I… I hope you know…” he couldn’t finish.
“What, Zac?” her whisper matching his own.
“No matter what, whatever happens, or doesn’t, or, you know…” and she looked into his eyes, “I would never hurt you.” He lifted his hands to take hers, holding them to his stomach. “I would never do anything to hurt you.”
Nikki looked into his eyes and could see nothing but honesty reflecting back to her. She trusted him like no one else she had ever known, with her body and her heart. The doubt and hesitance she had felt earlier that evening had been buried, and she allowed herself to believe his words completely. She believed them, because he believed them. She pulled off her nightie and bent down to kiss him deeply before taking him inside of her.
~*~*~*~*~
“What did I do?” she cried to herself. “What did I think I could do? Make him… I can’t…” and the realization made her heart sink. If she could make him love her, wouldn’t he be with her now? Wouldn’t he be kissing her on a beach in Hawaii, rather than in dark corners and hotel rooms? She knew on their first night together that this was all they could be, it was all she had asked of him. One night. But, somewhere along the way her emotions had made her believe they could be more. Did Zac feel the same way? It was like they were something separate from the rest of their lives, and when they were together it was all that mattered. It was all that seemed real. But, it was a dream, and she was finally waking up.
Just then her phone rang, but she let it go to voicemail. Glancing at the familiar number, her mind ran to another boy with blue eyes. A boy she had been seeing a lot more of in the last few weeks since she returned from Las Vegas.
~*~*~*~*~
“The grass is so soft!” Nikki called, running back towards him in her bare feet. Bryan was leaning up against a tree, holding onto Rocky’s leash while the little pug did his business. “Never wear new shoes when walking in the park. Lesson learned!” Nikki laughed, her blistered feet soothed by the dewy April grass.
“What?” she asked, puzzled about the grin spreading across his face.
“Oh. Nothing,” he blushed.
They continued along, Nikki swinging her new shoes by the straps, Bryan letting Rocky choose their course. They stopped and laughed with some little girls chasing bubbles, and Nikki bent to smell the wildflowers growing proudly amongst the weeds. He reached out his arm and gently placed his hand on her back while they walked. She was started by this, and flinched, but let him hold it there. Emboldened by this new contact, and the kissing couple on the bench they had passed a moment earlier, he leaned down and lightly kissed her lips.
Nikki jerked back, staring at him wide-eyed for a few seconds before he, too, stepped back and stammered. “Nik, I’m sorry. I… I thought-”
“No. I… I can’t-”
“Look, Nikki. I like you,” he interrupted. He then looked her in the eyes with all the courage he could muster, and her reaction made him freeze, wiping the smile from his face. Her surprise had turned to sadness, and he had to ask.
“Nikki. Is there someone else? Someone I don’t know about?”
“No! I mean… not really… Bryan, I can’t-” she looked away, shaking her head, the blush fast across her cheeks.
“Oh! I’m sorry! It’s just, I thought, I thought that you-“ and he searched for the words.
“I do. I like you, too. It’s just… I didn’t realize… It’s… complicated,” she settled. God, how she hated that word. That was Zac’s word, and it always managed to put a knot in her stomach.
Rocky tugged at the leash and they continued on in silence and averted eyes for several minutes. “I’ll give you time, Nik,” he murmured, as they continued walking. He glanced at her before looking off to the side again, and muttered, more to himself than to her, “However long it takes.”
~*~*~*~*~
Nikki opened the tabloid and flipped through the pages until she came upon those blue eyes again. Rubbing sunscreen on her back. Holding her hand and skipping through the ocean. Scuba diving. Lying with her on a chaise as the sun prepared to set. He was holding, touching, laughing with a girl, and it wasn’t her. It was his other secret girlfriend. The one the whole world was about to have confirmed for them, care of a week’s long present from Disney. The one he had every reason to be with. The one he wasn’t ashamed of.
“I love him.” It was the first time Nikki had allowed herself to say those words. Whenever the thought came to mind before, she pushed those words back, like she pushed back so many thoughts. “I love him, and he doesn’t love me.” If he loved her, wouldn’t he have made his choice by now? “He doesn’t,” she shook her head. “I guess he did make his choice, in a way, and it isn’t me.” As the tears streamed down her cheeks, her hand covering her face as she crouched over, a song came to her mind. Music was always in her mind, the way it was for Zac, and the words and melody running through her thoughts made her shake and choke and want to slam her head against a wall.
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices inside my head.
Lay down with me, tell me no lies.
Just hold me close, don’t patronize.
I can’t make you love me if you don’t.
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power.
But you won’t, no you won’t,
’cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t.
I’ll close my eyes, then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel when you’re holding me.
Morning will come and I’ll do what’s right.
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight.
She had to open her eyes, and she had to give up this fight. They had their night in Vegas. He had asked her to give him one night, the way she had asked in Toronto. He hadn’t lied to her, but she had come to lie to herself. He was probably lying to himself, too. He certainly was lying to Vanessa. Her one night had turned into months. That last night in Vegas had to be the last.
And she was going to see him tomorrow. She was going to see him with Vanessa.
~*~*~*~*~
“Wow, great dress, Baby,” he whispered in her ear as he passed her. Nikki swung her head around to see Zac smiling back at her, and she began to smile instinctively. Seeing Vanessa cross the floor to meet him reminded her of her vow for the evening.
She made it through the evening with smiles: the Ones to Watch awards, posing for official photos with Zac, Amanda, and Adam, and dinner. She tried to avoid Zac as well as she could and spent her time with Elijah, Brittany, Amanda, Adam, and her mom. But, at the end of the evening, it finally happened.
Nikki had begun to genuinely enjoy herself after dinner, relaxing and joking around with Eljah and the girls, and stayed longer than she expected. When she came out of the powder room most of the guests had left. She took a few steps down the hallway when Zac appeared around the corner. He immediately took her in his arms and held her tightly, lovingly.
“I’ve been trying to talk to you all night, but you haven’t had a moment alone,” he said softly. “I got us a room at the Renaissance,” he whispered, huskily. “A great room, and it’s ours for a few days, as long as you’re here.” Moving in to kiss her, she turned her face away from him for the first time ever. It wasn’t until then that he realized her arms were hanging limply at her sides. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he looked concerned and gently lifted her face towards him again.
“Zac, I can’t,” shaking her head. “God, I can’t. Not anymore.” She looked down to avoid the hurt and confusion spreading across his face. She stepped out of his arms and backed against the wall, wringing her hands, her heart racing.
“Why? What happened? What’s going on?”
“Hawaii.”
“Shit!” realization dawning.
“Yeah, Zac. Shit.”
“Nikki, I-“
“I don’t want to hear it, Zac!” She was becoming angry. “I’ve never wanted to hear it, and that’s part of the problem,” she thought.
“Are you mad at me?” he asked, as he tried to take her hands.
Stepping away from him again, she shouted, “I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at me!” The tears were welling in her eyes. “Okay, I am mad at you.”
She looked away from him.
“But, what about Vegas? I thought-”
“Vegas was… amazing,” she admitted. “But, it wasn’t real to me then. You and Vanessa.”
“You knew about Vanessa. You always knew.”
“Yes, but, I guess I could pretend…. I don’t know. I could pretend it didn’t matter? That what we had was separate. I did that in Toronto, and I did that in Vegas. But, I can’t do that anymore. Those pictures… I just can’t.”
“I told you I was going to Hawaii. What did you expect?”
“Yeah, you did. But, I never… I guess I expected… I don’t know what I expected. I guess I just didn’t expect myself to react this way. I always knew, but actually seeing you two-”
Zac looked devastated as she quickly walked away from him, towards her table. He followed closely behind her, at a loss for words. Nikki looked around the ball room, scanning the few remaining people for Elijah or Adam or her mom.
“They’re gone, Nik. I said I would drive you back to the hotel….”
“And Vanessa?”
“She left with Ashley,” he said, quietly, as he looked away.
“Planned it all out, did you?” She felt ashamed of the harshness of her tone, but couldn’t help it. She began to run towards the lobby, calling back, “I’ll get a cab,” as he caught up to her and spun her around.
“Nikki! Please! Don’t run away from me!” he shouted, desperately. “Talk to me!” She threw his hands off of her. “Nikki, we have to talk.” He then took a step back from her and shoved his hands into his pockets as he caught two people walking towards them. When they had passed, he stepped closer to her and quietly, but insistently, said, “Let me drive you back. Please!” The pleading tone of his voice made her reconsider, and she followed him silently to the parking lot, hoping she didn’t regret it.
“Zac, I don’t know LA very well, but I know this is nowhere near the Renaissance. You said you were taking me back. I just want to see my mom and pack my stuff and get home!” finally breaking the silence.
“Nikki, we have to talk first. We can’t leave it like this.” He focused on the road ahead as she crossed her arms and looked out the window, knowing that he was right but wishing that he wasn’t.
Zac pulled the car into the parking lot of a neighbourhood baseball field. “It’s not exactly Blue Jay Stadium, but…” and he opened his door. He walked around to the trunk of the car and leaned back, waiting for Nikki to join him. A moment later, he walked around to the passenger side of his Alero to open her door. She sat there looking up at him, the glimmer of the field lights on his highlighted hair. He looked like a little boy who needed her, and that always melted her. Zac reached out his hand to her and she took it, stepping out of the car. He closed the door and leaned back against it, looking up at the star-filled sky.
“Nikki, I-“
“Zac, it’s over. Whatever it was, it’s over. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Don’t-“ he turned to her.
“There are a hundred reasons why this will never work. Why we shouldn’t even be trying in the first place.” He leaned against the side of the car, watching her. “We should never have started in the first place, not the way things were. It’s my fault. I asked you-“
“No! You asked, but it was what I wanted! It was all what I wanted, too. I want even more, but-“ and he looked away. “It’s complicated,” he sighed, and Nikki cringed.
“You have Vanessa, Zac. She seems like a great girl. And-“
“Vanessa? She’s….”
“- I think I’ll give it a try with Bryan,” Nikki continued.
“Bryan?” he jerked his head towards her again. “The film student?” His brows were furrowed and his arms crossed as he faced her.
“Yes, at NYU. He really likes me, and I think I like him, too.”
“What? I thought you were just friends!”
“A lot of people think we’re just friends, Zac. Vanessa, for one.”
Zac ignored her sarcasm and asked several hurried questions about Bryan.
“I never asked you any questions. None. Maybe because I didn’t expect any answers, or I didn’t want any. I don’t know, but please, don’t. Just don’t.”
“Nik, he probably just-“
“What, you think nobody else would want me? Just you, making a sacrifice?”
“Don’t say that!”
“He kissed me the other day.”
“He kissed you?” he asked. “Asshole,” he muttered, his hands balling into fists.
“You have no right, Zac! No fucking right! You made your choice…,” she shouted.
“You made the choice! You’re the one ending it!” he interrupted.
“No, you did. I just couldn’t live with the one you made. I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be.”
“What’s that?”
“I couldn’t be your… god, fill in the blank. There are so many choices. Mistress? Whore? Piece of ass on the side? Your dirty little secret? Your fat-”
“Nikki, don’t!” He grabbed her arms and shook her, to make her stop. He wouldn’t let her break away from him. He leaned down and kissed her, hard, still holding her arms.
She broke away from him, shouting, “See, is this all you want from me?”
“Yes!” and he pushed her against the side of the car, holding her shoulders back and kissing her hard, bruising her lips and the tender, soft skin of her shoulders. His tongue was in her mouth. One hand moved down to press hard against her breast and his leg wrapped around hers. He had her pinned against the car. She pulled her face away from him, pushed back against his chest, threw his hands off of her, and slapped him hard across the face.
He stood dazed, his hand to his cheek, a look of shame across his face. “Nikki, I… I’m sorry. That’s not….” He slumped down to his knees and clutched his arms around her legs, tears in his eyes. His head was hung low against his chest, and his hands were then covering his face. “I’m sorry. Oh, god, I’m so sorry, Nikki!” he choked through his fingers.
She stood there, looking down at him for a moment. Her hands grazed his shoulders. She then threw her hands up. “I can’t do this!” He heard her, but it barely registered. Out of the corner of his eye he caught a movement and glanced to his right. Nikki was running across the parking lot away from him.
Immediately, Zac was up and running after her. In seconds, he caught up, reaching out to her, grabbing her shoulders and spinning her around to face him. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. Nikki pushed against him, beat her fists against him, but he wouldn’t let her go.
“Zac, no! Let me go! I can’t… I…” she was becoming breathless as she struggled against him, tears running down her cheeks.
“No, Nik! No! Please, no! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! You know it wasn’t….” His tears dropped into her hair and her tears stained the shoulder of his suit jacket. “I won’t let you go.” They stood together in the middle of the parking lot, sobbing, holding on to each other.
Nikki’s arms gripped him tighter, feeling his body shake, and her fingers hooked onto his jacket. She pulled her head back and he lifted his own, and she looked into his eyes. They were red, swollen, filled with tears, like hers. Releasing her grip on his arm with one hand, she gently wiped his tears away. He took her tiny hand and held it to his cheek, kissing it lightly.
Nikki wiped her own tears from her eyes, took a deep breath, and looked up at him with all the courage she could gather from within herself.
“Zac, I know you don’t think those things. And, I know you didn’t mean…. I can’t do it anymore, I won’t. I won’t do it to me, and I won’t do it to you. I won’t do it to Vanessa. This is my decision. Until you can make one yourself….”
He closed his eyes briefly and lowered his head. Nikki shook her head slightly, took his hand and led him back towards his car. She reached to open the passenger door, but the finality of that action made her freeze. She wasn’t ready to leave yet. Something was unfinished.
Nikki leaned back against the side of the Alero, where she had stood a few minutes earlier. Zac joined her, standing in front of her, wrapping his arms around her waist. They just stood there holding each other tightly. He ran his hands up and down her back and she breathed him in deeply. She looked up into his eyes and kissed him. He kissed her back, hungrily, his hands rubbing, squeezing, holding onto every part of her. His jacket was flung onto the roof of the car and his shirt was pulled out of his pants so she could run her hands over his bare back and stomach and chest. He bent down to taste and bite at her cleavage and she unzipped his pants. Pulling him out of his boxers, Nikki stroked him, making him close his eyes and breathe heavily. He pushed up her dress and pulled her panties down. She stepped out of them, kicking them aside on the pavement. Soon his fingers were working her, inside and out, and she was getting so close. Zac guided her down towards the trunk of the car and lifted her slightly. She gripped the trunk while he entered her, thrusting hard and fast until they both came in the moonlight and chill of the April night, the tears running down their faces.
She ran her hand through his hair and remembered the first time she did that. It was the first night they kissed, when it was just them and there were no cameras around, in his apartment. They were alone for the weekend, and it was three days that changed her life. Changed both their lives, really. She knew that he was still that boy, sweet and kind and silly and that he cared for her. She knew that she had walked into this knowingly. She loved him, she was sure of it. And he loved her, she was sure of that, now, too. It just wasn’t enough.
He gently brushed away a few strands of hair that had become stuck to her cheek by her tears, and she kissed him again. Slowly, softly, for several moments, committing his taste to memory, knowing this may be the last time she would ever kiss him.
The drive back to her hotel was again silent. When they pulled up to her hotel and the doorman helped her out of the car, Nikki turned and took one last look at Zac, one last deep breath, before stepping out into the cold.
I Know Where I'm Going Because I Know Where I've Been
Summary: Nikki has seen the tabloid with the picture of Zac and Vanessa kissing in Hawaii. This chapter tells of her thoughts and memories in seeing it, and what happens between Zac and Nikki at the Young Hollywood Awards the next day.
Dedications: Firstly, this is dedicated to Carrie, as a (very) belated birthday present. I know you've been waiting for this since I first gave you spoilers months ago. Thanks for being so supportive, and patient! Secondly, it is dedicated to Alex, who took so much time to make the amazing banner for me! Big hugs to you, hon, for so much! Finally, it is for all the Zac and Nikki fans on the ZN thread of Fanforum. Congratulations on 250 threads, everyone! Let's celebrate everything we love about Zac and Nikki, the love and friendship and respect and joy we see between them, and what could and should, and may, be. They have inspired us to dream of possibilities, and let's not lose sight of that. (Sorry this chapter is so angsty, in light of my previous words lol)
Rating: R?
A/N: When originally mapping out this series in October, I thought that the Hawaii pics came out before the YHA. I recently found out it was the other way around, but have fudged the timeline. It's fiction, right? hehe (Sorry, Irish!)
Walking down the magazine aisle, Nikki reached for a copy of her little indulgence, People magazine, when something on the corner of another tabloid caught her eye. A photo of Zac, on the beach, kissing Vanessa, with the heading, “Zanessa is real!”
Nikki dropped her basket to the floor, her mouth dropped open and her legs were weak. She leaned on the rack to support herself, feeling faint.
“Miss? Are you alright?” an older man asked. She turned to him slowly, staring at him vaguely. “Miss?” She nodded her head and turned back to face the magazine as he walked away, looking back at her with concern.
Nikki took the magazine off the rack and placed it into the basket that she had picked up. She walked robotically to the check-out, just going through the motions. Getting into the car, she pulled the tabloid out of the bag and stared down at that picture. It was the first time she was seeing Vanessa. The real Vanessa. She had seen her in “High School Musical.” She had seen her in pictures in magazines before, even with Zac, but she had never seen her as part of Zac’s life. His real life. Zac had hardly ever talked about her, and since Nikki started seeing him, he had never even mentioned her name. It hit her like someone had just turned on the lights in the darkened room she had spent the last six months.
Sitting in her mom’s car in the parking lot of the strip mall, she stared down at the steering wheel, which faded into memories.
~*~*~*~*~
“John Travolta. Holy crap, Nikki! John Travolta!” Zac shouted, incredulously, tossing her the Diet Coke he had begun to keep stocked just for her. She laughed as he leaned back against the fridge in his apartment. Brittany had just called Nikki to tell her that John would be arriving in Toronto the next day, and they would finally be able to meet him. Nikki had screamed and ran into Zac’s kitchen to tell him. “Danny Zuko is going to be in our movie!” he shouted. “I mean, I knew it before, but it just hit me!”
“Maybe I should finally watch ‘Grease,’ then,” Nikki laughed.
“What!” he shouted. “Get out! You haven’t seen ‘Grease’?”
“Well, I’ve seen parts of it before, when I was a kid. But…”
“Oh. My. Gosh.” He took the unopened can from her and slammed it down on the counter, grabbed her hand and dragged her towards the door.
“Where are we going?” she laughed.
“Video store down the street!”
Waiting in line at Subway, he turned to her and said, “I still can’t believe you haven’t watched ‘Grease.’ It’s been almost a month, Nicole Blonsky. I thought I knew you,” he shook his head at her. “What other secrets are you keeping from me?”
“Oh, plenty! But, that’s for you to find out!” she raised her eyebrows and smirked at him, before turning back to the menu board. He looked at her quizzically before a grin spread across his face.
~*~*~*~*~
Nikki looked over at the tabloid that had slipped from her hand onto the passenger seat, and picked it up. She focused on that picture in the corner again; focused on him. Those eyes that watched her from across crowded rooms; that stared into hers as he went in and out, harder, faster. Those hands that tickled her, teased her, made her come. That back she had traced her name on; that she had dug her nails into. Those arms that held her when she cried; that held her after she came so hard. That chest she had laid her head on to sleep. Those lips that kissed her soft, hard, deep long; that had whispered in her ear and told her he lov… but, no… he had never said that. Not to her.
~*~*~*~*~
“Where did Zac go?” Nikki asked her mom, after looking around the Foundation Room.
“He had something important he wanted to do,” Timmy interjected, sharing a knowing smile with his aunt.
The look of confusion and disappointment growing on Nikki’s face was replaced by surprise when her eyes were drawn to a light coming from across the room.
“Carryin’ the cake, for Nikki B!” Everyone’s attention turned to Zac and the huge candle-topped cake he was bringing to Nikki. The joy spreading across her face made him beam, which in turn made everyone at the party smile for them. Even if there was nothing “official” to smile for.
Away from watchful eyes and cameras later that night, he pulled her into a dark corner of the club and took her in his arms.
“I like this top you’re wearing.” One hand on her lower back, the other grazed along the side-swept bangs of her up-do, and then along her jaw.
“I think you like what’s in it better,” she smirked.
“That too!” he laughed. He cupped her chin and bent down to kiss her lightly. Resting his forehead against hers, their lips so close, he asked what she had wished for.
“I wished…” and her eyes darted to the side. Lifting his face away from hers, he knew, somewhere inside him, what she had wished.
“Nikki…?”
She looked back up at him, her mind closing those thoughts of impossibilities and another girl, as it always did, and she smiled, holding him tighter. “I wished for sunshine and rainbows and shiny satin ribbons and a purple polka-dotted pony, just like when I was six,” she laughed softly. He smiled back, reassured, and pulled her head to rest against his chest for another stolen moment.
~*~*~*~*~
Her eyes shifted to Vanessa. Her white bikini and perfect little body pressed against Zac’s. She didn’t know this girl, hadn’t wanted to know this girl. Whenever a thought of Vanessa came to her mind she pushed it away with the feelings of guilt and inadequacy and jealousy that came with it. Nikki began to shake again as she dropped the magazine and covered her face with her hands, breathing deeply and thinking back to the last night she had spent with Zac.
~*~*~*~*~
Her hair was still a little wet from their bath, and it hung about her face in curls. It shimmered from the flashes of neon light coming through the open curtains from the Vegas strip. He reached up and twisted a curl around his finger, then released it and watched it spring back. Her breasts nearly spilled out of the low cut black satin nightie she was wearing, as she leaned over him, tracing her finger over his chest and abs. He was lying back, propped up on a few pillows, and his hands were running along her thighs as she straddled him.
“Nik, I… I hope you know…” he couldn’t finish.
“What, Zac?” her whisper matching his own.
“No matter what, whatever happens, or doesn’t, or, you know…” and she looked into his eyes, “I would never hurt you.” He lifted his hands to take hers, holding them to his stomach. “I would never do anything to hurt you.”
Nikki looked into his eyes and could see nothing but honesty reflecting back to her. She trusted him like no one else she had ever known, with her body and her heart. The doubt and hesitance she had felt earlier that evening had been buried, and she allowed herself to believe his words completely. She believed them, because he believed them. She pulled off her nightie and bent down to kiss him deeply before taking him inside of her.
~*~*~*~*~
“What did I do?” she cried to herself. “What did I think I could do? Make him… I can’t…” and the realization made her heart sink. If she could make him love her, wouldn’t he be with her now? Wouldn’t he be kissing her on a beach in Hawaii, rather than in dark corners and hotel rooms? She knew on their first night together that this was all they could be, it was all she had asked of him. One night. But, somewhere along the way her emotions had made her believe they could be more. Did Zac feel the same way? It was like they were something separate from the rest of their lives, and when they were together it was all that mattered. It was all that seemed real. But, it was a dream, and she was finally waking up.
Just then her phone rang, but she let it go to voicemail. Glancing at the familiar number, her mind ran to another boy with blue eyes. A boy she had been seeing a lot more of in the last few weeks since she returned from Las Vegas.
~*~*~*~*~
“The grass is so soft!” Nikki called, running back towards him in her bare feet. Bryan was leaning up against a tree, holding onto Rocky’s leash while the little pug did his business. “Never wear new shoes when walking in the park. Lesson learned!” Nikki laughed, her blistered feet soothed by the dewy April grass.
“What?” she asked, puzzled about the grin spreading across his face.
“Oh. Nothing,” he blushed.
They continued along, Nikki swinging her new shoes by the straps, Bryan letting Rocky choose their course. They stopped and laughed with some little girls chasing bubbles, and Nikki bent to smell the wildflowers growing proudly amongst the weeds. He reached out his arm and gently placed his hand on her back while they walked. She was started by this, and flinched, but let him hold it there. Emboldened by this new contact, and the kissing couple on the bench they had passed a moment earlier, he leaned down and lightly kissed her lips.
Nikki jerked back, staring at him wide-eyed for a few seconds before he, too, stepped back and stammered. “Nik, I’m sorry. I… I thought-”
“No. I… I can’t-”
“Look, Nikki. I like you,” he interrupted. He then looked her in the eyes with all the courage he could muster, and her reaction made him freeze, wiping the smile from his face. Her surprise had turned to sadness, and he had to ask.
“Nikki. Is there someone else? Someone I don’t know about?”
“No! I mean… not really… Bryan, I can’t-” she looked away, shaking her head, the blush fast across her cheeks.
“Oh! I’m sorry! It’s just, I thought, I thought that you-“ and he searched for the words.
“I do. I like you, too. It’s just… I didn’t realize… It’s… complicated,” she settled. God, how she hated that word. That was Zac’s word, and it always managed to put a knot in her stomach.
Rocky tugged at the leash and they continued on in silence and averted eyes for several minutes. “I’ll give you time, Nik,” he murmured, as they continued walking. He glanced at her before looking off to the side again, and muttered, more to himself than to her, “However long it takes.”
~*~*~*~*~
Nikki opened the tabloid and flipped through the pages until she came upon those blue eyes again. Rubbing sunscreen on her back. Holding her hand and skipping through the ocean. Scuba diving. Lying with her on a chaise as the sun prepared to set. He was holding, touching, laughing with a girl, and it wasn’t her. It was his other secret girlfriend. The one the whole world was about to have confirmed for them, care of a week’s long present from Disney. The one he had every reason to be with. The one he wasn’t ashamed of.
“I love him.” It was the first time Nikki had allowed herself to say those words. Whenever the thought came to mind before, she pushed those words back, like she pushed back so many thoughts. “I love him, and he doesn’t love me.” If he loved her, wouldn’t he have made his choice by now? “He doesn’t,” she shook her head. “I guess he did make his choice, in a way, and it isn’t me.” As the tears streamed down her cheeks, her hand covering her face as she crouched over, a song came to her mind. Music was always in her mind, the way it was for Zac, and the words and melody running through her thoughts made her shake and choke and want to slam her head against a wall.
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices inside my head.
Lay down with me, tell me no lies.
Just hold me close, don’t patronize.
I can’t make you love me if you don’t.
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power.
But you won’t, no you won’t,
’cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t.
I’ll close my eyes, then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel when you’re holding me.
Morning will come and I’ll do what’s right.
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight.
She had to open her eyes, and she had to give up this fight. They had their night in Vegas. He had asked her to give him one night, the way she had asked in Toronto. He hadn’t lied to her, but she had come to lie to herself. He was probably lying to himself, too. He certainly was lying to Vanessa. Her one night had turned into months. That last night in Vegas had to be the last.
And she was going to see him tomorrow. She was going to see him with Vanessa.
~*~*~*~*~
“Wow, great dress, Baby,” he whispered in her ear as he passed her. Nikki swung her head around to see Zac smiling back at her, and she began to smile instinctively. Seeing Vanessa cross the floor to meet him reminded her of her vow for the evening.
She made it through the evening with smiles: the Ones to Watch awards, posing for official photos with Zac, Amanda, and Adam, and dinner. She tried to avoid Zac as well as she could and spent her time with Elijah, Brittany, Amanda, Adam, and her mom. But, at the end of the evening, it finally happened.
Nikki had begun to genuinely enjoy herself after dinner, relaxing and joking around with Eljah and the girls, and stayed longer than she expected. When she came out of the powder room most of the guests had left. She took a few steps down the hallway when Zac appeared around the corner. He immediately took her in his arms and held her tightly, lovingly.
“I’ve been trying to talk to you all night, but you haven’t had a moment alone,” he said softly. “I got us a room at the Renaissance,” he whispered, huskily. “A great room, and it’s ours for a few days, as long as you’re here.” Moving in to kiss her, she turned her face away from him for the first time ever. It wasn’t until then that he realized her arms were hanging limply at her sides. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he looked concerned and gently lifted her face towards him again.
“Zac, I can’t,” shaking her head. “God, I can’t. Not anymore.” She looked down to avoid the hurt and confusion spreading across his face. She stepped out of his arms and backed against the wall, wringing her hands, her heart racing.
“Why? What happened? What’s going on?”
“Hawaii.”
“Shit!” realization dawning.
“Yeah, Zac. Shit.”
“Nikki, I-“
“I don’t want to hear it, Zac!” She was becoming angry. “I’ve never wanted to hear it, and that’s part of the problem,” she thought.
“Are you mad at me?” he asked, as he tried to take her hands.
Stepping away from him again, she shouted, “I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at me!” The tears were welling in her eyes. “Okay, I am mad at you.”
She looked away from him.
“But, what about Vegas? I thought-”
“Vegas was… amazing,” she admitted. “But, it wasn’t real to me then. You and Vanessa.”
“You knew about Vanessa. You always knew.”
“Yes, but, I guess I could pretend…. I don’t know. I could pretend it didn’t matter? That what we had was separate. I did that in Toronto, and I did that in Vegas. But, I can’t do that anymore. Those pictures… I just can’t.”
“I told you I was going to Hawaii. What did you expect?”
“Yeah, you did. But, I never… I guess I expected… I don’t know what I expected. I guess I just didn’t expect myself to react this way. I always knew, but actually seeing you two-”
Zac looked devastated as she quickly walked away from him, towards her table. He followed closely behind her, at a loss for words. Nikki looked around the ball room, scanning the few remaining people for Elijah or Adam or her mom.
“They’re gone, Nik. I said I would drive you back to the hotel….”
“And Vanessa?”
“She left with Ashley,” he said, quietly, as he looked away.
“Planned it all out, did you?” She felt ashamed of the harshness of her tone, but couldn’t help it. She began to run towards the lobby, calling back, “I’ll get a cab,” as he caught up to her and spun her around.
“Nikki! Please! Don’t run away from me!” he shouted, desperately. “Talk to me!” She threw his hands off of her. “Nikki, we have to talk.” He then took a step back from her and shoved his hands into his pockets as he caught two people walking towards them. When they had passed, he stepped closer to her and quietly, but insistently, said, “Let me drive you back. Please!” The pleading tone of his voice made her reconsider, and she followed him silently to the parking lot, hoping she didn’t regret it.
“Zac, I don’t know LA very well, but I know this is nowhere near the Renaissance. You said you were taking me back. I just want to see my mom and pack my stuff and get home!” finally breaking the silence.
“Nikki, we have to talk first. We can’t leave it like this.” He focused on the road ahead as she crossed her arms and looked out the window, knowing that he was right but wishing that he wasn’t.
Zac pulled the car into the parking lot of a neighbourhood baseball field. “It’s not exactly Blue Jay Stadium, but…” and he opened his door. He walked around to the trunk of the car and leaned back, waiting for Nikki to join him. A moment later, he walked around to the passenger side of his Alero to open her door. She sat there looking up at him, the glimmer of the field lights on his highlighted hair. He looked like a little boy who needed her, and that always melted her. Zac reached out his hand to her and she took it, stepping out of the car. He closed the door and leaned back against it, looking up at the star-filled sky.
“Nikki, I-“
“Zac, it’s over. Whatever it was, it’s over. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Don’t-“ he turned to her.
“There are a hundred reasons why this will never work. Why we shouldn’t even be trying in the first place.” He leaned against the side of the car, watching her. “We should never have started in the first place, not the way things were. It’s my fault. I asked you-“
“No! You asked, but it was what I wanted! It was all what I wanted, too. I want even more, but-“ and he looked away. “It’s complicated,” he sighed, and Nikki cringed.
“You have Vanessa, Zac. She seems like a great girl. And-“
“Vanessa? She’s….”
“- I think I’ll give it a try with Bryan,” Nikki continued.
“Bryan?” he jerked his head towards her again. “The film student?” His brows were furrowed and his arms crossed as he faced her.
“Yes, at NYU. He really likes me, and I think I like him, too.”
“What? I thought you were just friends!”
“A lot of people think we’re just friends, Zac. Vanessa, for one.”
Zac ignored her sarcasm and asked several hurried questions about Bryan.
“I never asked you any questions. None. Maybe because I didn’t expect any answers, or I didn’t want any. I don’t know, but please, don’t. Just don’t.”
“Nik, he probably just-“
“What, you think nobody else would want me? Just you, making a sacrifice?”
“Don’t say that!”
“He kissed me the other day.”
“He kissed you?” he asked. “Asshole,” he muttered, his hands balling into fists.
“You have no right, Zac! No fucking right! You made your choice…,” she shouted.
“You made the choice! You’re the one ending it!” he interrupted.
“No, you did. I just couldn’t live with the one you made. I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be.”
“What’s that?”
“I couldn’t be your… god, fill in the blank. There are so many choices. Mistress? Whore? Piece of ass on the side? Your dirty little secret? Your fat-”
“Nikki, don’t!” He grabbed her arms and shook her, to make her stop. He wouldn’t let her break away from him. He leaned down and kissed her, hard, still holding her arms.
She broke away from him, shouting, “See, is this all you want from me?”
“Yes!” and he pushed her against the side of the car, holding her shoulders back and kissing her hard, bruising her lips and the tender, soft skin of her shoulders. His tongue was in her mouth. One hand moved down to press hard against her breast and his leg wrapped around hers. He had her pinned against the car. She pulled her face away from him, pushed back against his chest, threw his hands off of her, and slapped him hard across the face.
He stood dazed, his hand to his cheek, a look of shame across his face. “Nikki, I… I’m sorry. That’s not….” He slumped down to his knees and clutched his arms around her legs, tears in his eyes. His head was hung low against his chest, and his hands were then covering his face. “I’m sorry. Oh, god, I’m so sorry, Nikki!” he choked through his fingers.
She stood there, looking down at him for a moment. Her hands grazed his shoulders. She then threw her hands up. “I can’t do this!” He heard her, but it barely registered. Out of the corner of his eye he caught a movement and glanced to his right. Nikki was running across the parking lot away from him.
Immediately, Zac was up and running after her. In seconds, he caught up, reaching out to her, grabbing her shoulders and spinning her around to face him. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. Nikki pushed against him, beat her fists against him, but he wouldn’t let her go.
“Zac, no! Let me go! I can’t… I…” she was becoming breathless as she struggled against him, tears running down her cheeks.
“No, Nik! No! Please, no! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! You know it wasn’t….” His tears dropped into her hair and her tears stained the shoulder of his suit jacket. “I won’t let you go.” They stood together in the middle of the parking lot, sobbing, holding on to each other.
Nikki’s arms gripped him tighter, feeling his body shake, and her fingers hooked onto his jacket. She pulled her head back and he lifted his own, and she looked into his eyes. They were red, swollen, filled with tears, like hers. Releasing her grip on his arm with one hand, she gently wiped his tears away. He took her tiny hand and held it to his cheek, kissing it lightly.
Nikki wiped her own tears from her eyes, took a deep breath, and looked up at him with all the courage she could gather from within herself.
“Zac, I know you don’t think those things. And, I know you didn’t mean…. I can’t do it anymore, I won’t. I won’t do it to me, and I won’t do it to you. I won’t do it to Vanessa. This is my decision. Until you can make one yourself….”
He closed his eyes briefly and lowered his head. Nikki shook her head slightly, took his hand and led him back towards his car. She reached to open the passenger door, but the finality of that action made her freeze. She wasn’t ready to leave yet. Something was unfinished.
Nikki leaned back against the side of the Alero, where she had stood a few minutes earlier. Zac joined her, standing in front of her, wrapping his arms around her waist. They just stood there holding each other tightly. He ran his hands up and down her back and she breathed him in deeply. She looked up into his eyes and kissed him. He kissed her back, hungrily, his hands rubbing, squeezing, holding onto every part of her. His jacket was flung onto the roof of the car and his shirt was pulled out of his pants so she could run her hands over his bare back and stomach and chest. He bent down to taste and bite at her cleavage and she unzipped his pants. Pulling him out of his boxers, Nikki stroked him, making him close his eyes and breathe heavily. He pushed up her dress and pulled her panties down. She stepped out of them, kicking them aside on the pavement. Soon his fingers were working her, inside and out, and she was getting so close. Zac guided her down towards the trunk of the car and lifted her slightly. She gripped the trunk while he entered her, thrusting hard and fast until they both came in the moonlight and chill of the April night, the tears running down their faces.
She ran her hand through his hair and remembered the first time she did that. It was the first night they kissed, when it was just them and there were no cameras around, in his apartment. They were alone for the weekend, and it was three days that changed her life. Changed both their lives, really. She knew that he was still that boy, sweet and kind and silly and that he cared for her. She knew that she had walked into this knowingly. She loved him, she was sure of it. And he loved her, she was sure of that, now, too. It just wasn’t enough.
He gently brushed away a few strands of hair that had become stuck to her cheek by her tears, and she kissed him again. Slowly, softly, for several moments, committing his taste to memory, knowing this may be the last time she would ever kiss him.
The drive back to her hotel was again silent. When they pulled up to her hotel and the doorman helped her out of the car, Nikki turned and took one last look at Zac, one last deep breath, before stepping out into the cold.
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